Tuesday, May 8, 2012

hold what you got....

back in the day... oh 6 months ago, no really the past 3 years, my boys would finish my "singing" tune of "HOLD ON.... I'm COmin', HOL D ON.... i'm comin'"
As i was movin' and shaken to the best of my ability juggling these little indians i call babies. well, we are big now, sniff sniff.   
And when i have a moment to stop and think. 
I NEVER have a moment to stop and think...... 
rinse and repeat.
I get sad i have no cute little bouncing boys in bubbles.... 
But i have many a new love of watching them on dirt bikes, four wheelers, in the pool, on stage, on bikes, on the ball field, etc.   
And i HAVE MANY MANY a pity party moment as their buddies all have their grandmothers front row.... It has been two years without my mom......  two long but short years of new-ness.  Many just knew our family, extended and all would crumble without our "boss lady"...... look at us.... We are finding a new way to be whole..... 

My biggest baby talks of my mom, his LOLLY, ALL THE TIME.... ALL THE TIME!!!!  It warms my heart and breaks my heart all the while.   I can remember how she lived for and through them.   She called me in her sickest state crying the morning of my biggest baby's first thanksgiving "performance" and so in her last minutes of life on Earth...LITERALLY, i kissed her head, whispered secrets no one could here and Busted my tail to sit FRONT ROW at my biggest baby's mothers day show, i knew that is where she would have me be, not in the hospital room in tears......  I don't know how i did that.  but i did.  
And today i sat through the same show, same songs and all for my middle baby and will attend my biggest baby's on thursday..... And i miss my mom for these mother's day events.   I miss her for the boys-  I miss one of their biggest fans-  I'm sad because i too had a big fan in my grandmother who NEVER missed a darn thing i did and spoiled me rotten and i lost her and every event through life, i am reminded how i sure would like to have her on the side lines or on the other end of the phone in the least.  so here is to another mother's day!   
Dear boys,
I love you too much and each day you are at school... i miss you like crazy!!
You are the best there ever was.

 mothers day art from my little in the middle....

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