heavy HEART

So i have bragged to some closer friends and most ALL Family.... I have been placed on the breast cancer FOUNDATIONS board.  I was so so so very honored, taken back, and more so i CAN't  WAIT to serve and work for a much needed cure/research and have i mentioned...

 i am SO PROUD to be a part of such a wonderful thing.... 

I won't list the stats, facts or show charts but EVERY penny.... 

like we raised 3 million in the past 4 years and that equals 30 million in research funds.... 

one of the very drugs my mom was taking, THAT WAS WORKING, and is now keeping a fellow friend alive to date, was funded with the help of this money..... 

the old....4/5 woman will die from this is NOW 1/4..... 

we will find a cure!   

And i hang my head selfishly in MY OWN WORLD (which is where i live MOST OF THE TIME) and say "but y'all (doctors, whoever?)  are too late" and then i think of my one day grand-daughters, my nieces- all four and counting??, my dearest girls i call my own, and possibly hopefully NEVER my boys......

  So i commit to this seat on the board for YOU, but to be honest, and i want to be, i am doing this for my mom.  No, your right, she is not here, it can't help her but her BIG thing was

 "I AM The LAST, the caboose, as she said, the last person in my family to go through this" and she went to heaven believing she was the final breast cancer case.  Thats to be determined but i know my mom is proud of me for doing this, i know she is smiling down at me, as my personal time is limited with the boys, i could NOT possibly begin to think of another way i would rather spend my energy, and thats God's honest truth!!!!

when i got my paperwork with all kinds of confidential statements to sign, seal and re-deliver and then read the fellow board members, i couldn't help but feel YOUNG, immature, lost, and like i had jumped in over my head..... i "put on my big girl panties" called our Mimi to keep the boys and headed to my FIRSt meeting today......

  

I had a nervous/sad/heart broken kind of morning but i got to spend a short visit with some dear twin newborns and hold one (i could have stayed FOR DAYS/HOURS/YEARS holding them) but when one child "bo duked, that dukes of hazard style" out of the running cars window, the other one, the 2 year old, was sitting on the suv's window seal OUT of his car seat and my baby had a whole bag of candy dumped into his lap, candy corn no-less, pure grain SUGAR.... i figured it was time to head on out and give the babies and their mama some peace, i can't wait to go back.....i may sneak one in my pocket when i leave..... that was a great distraction to what was coming soon at lunchtime.....  So mimi was there, not a second late..... I hoped in my car, set it on AUTO pilot, as i "used" to be a hospital regular...... 

I talked to daddyc

"do you know how to get there?"

No, sweetie, i have not even looked at the address but ya know, i don't have to anymore, i could close my eyes and get to the cancer building of UAB.... 

And thats just what i did.  

 I was so sad.... I pulled my big ole car in, of course no parking spots vaccant, i had to go round and round and watch the patients being wheeled out by a husband, son/daughter, friend, sister/brother and it brought back memories i thought i would forget of trying to get my mom HOME.... I was so sad.... I was sad for them, both the sick one and the loved ones.   I was sad my mom wasn't inside awaiting a visit from me, i was sad she wasn't HERE period.  I was MAD!!!   I talked to my older wiser brother all the way in, down the hall, into the board room, got my lunch and took to a seat in the back.... 

HEAVEN FORBID i be called on or HAVE TO SPEAK.......

guess what?

after welcoming me to the board.... I may have blushed but was flattered and honored, oh you shouldn't have, i sat down to enjoy lunch, there is a concept.... lunch ALONE.... THEn...

oh my goodness. THEN.....

They ask me to speak.... HOLY MOLY....if you know me, I DON'T public speak, i can NOT public speak and should NEVER be ask to....EVER!!!!!  And i don't know who or what to credit but over the course of a year and a half with all i have had going on and losing my mom..... I don't lose it with tears.... really EVER, i am NOT a girl who cries often or hardly ever (i won't mention my temper...your welcome!) and i can talk about my mom and share in stories and memories all day everyday and really enjoy talking about her..... of course i have cried, mostly at night, in the middle of the night and probably always will but even at times i wonder what in the world... 

but today dear friends.....

 I was a complete basketcase.......I saw mom's old doctors, nurses, her floor, sick cancer patients holding tightly to hope, a fellow cancer survivor who is living and doing GREAT taking the same meds. my mom was..... I couldn't hold it back... 

i was plain sad and missed my mom.

  I don't need an excuse and i really didn't want the big fat lady, i am sorry for my rudeness, asking me if i was okay and what was wrong.... I felt like saying;

"did you just hear me say i lost my mom May 4th of THIS YEAR?  And you look like you could have EATTEN her? And are you STILL staring at me????"   

No readers, i am a true born and raised southern-er, i simply said 

"oh, i am just missing my mom today more than ever and yes, i am okay, thank you so much for asking.  Nice to meet you"

So i am fine now.  Back to the gridestone... my middle child is in my lap as i type playing superheros.... Who knew superman could jump into the antique decanter set so well?  not me.

(do you think of my mom when you see balloons?   we took pink balloons to her grave-side service and watched them float to her, as i know, she was having a party with her parents and loved ones)

Anyway, I will be rallying YOU for donations, to COME JOIN OUR Fund raising (i can promise you a good time, you know i am all TOO honest about my fun, they truly ARE FUN events!) so think of excuses now and save your money.... The next big thing is our Belk event. Oct. 24th.  YOU ARE COMING!!!!  You don't have to shop, just come enjoy a hope-tini, a cocktail of choice, dinner, live music...... And you can shop privately too for 20% off everything with FREE gift wrap too.... Its a sunday night, and unless you are at church you'd better be there or our friendship is over.... only kidding...... but i would love to share a drink and catch up with you!

OH, the best part is, at the end of our meeting (they took our picture, i am sure i looked FANTASTIC of course i replaced my WATERPROOF mascara with normal YEStERDAY, funny how that worked out) 

no the best part is they said 

"amy, would you be willing to do our news marketing?"  AS IN,  talk on a tv segment...... I mean.... DId they just miss my tid-bit of public speaking?  are they kidding? I said uuuummmmm NO

but i know who will..... My dearest sister in law who is SO GOOD at it.... And while i have not talked to her yet...EEEEEEKKKK!  I have fingers crossed she will not hate me and both hands crossed that she will still keep my boys next week!!!!  But she is great at serving others and i know she would love to help a foundation we have just dealt with.   Thanks in Advance Aunt HOlly.  We love you!